Things have been moving rapidly here in Lawrenceville, and it's slowed just long enough for me to celebrate some good news. My hard work at The Trentonian (and to a certain extent, INSIDE Magaziine) has caught the attention of a major news network, and, after weeks of negotiations and counter-negotiations, the meticulous vettting of my resume and even a brief trip to Australia, I'm prepared to announce that I will be joining Fox News as a Senior Editor and Commentator.
To those of you who think you know my political bent, let me assure you that I will be as fair and balanced in my reporting and commentary as one could ever hope for at Fox News, which, of course, means, hopefully a fresh new voice at the network. Diversity is very important there.
At first I will join the team at Fox and Friends, adding to the roster of Steve Doocy, Elisabeth Hasselback and Brian Kilmeade and helping them with daily corrections, news facts and current events such as ethnic stereotypes, gay/LGBT culture and celebrities reported dead that are very much alive. I will soon after move around the broadcast day's schedule at the network, joining Gretchen Carlson in her time slot, then Tucker Carlson on Red Eye and any of the other Carlsons working at Fox News (turns out there's a LOT of them!).
I've been told by none other than Chairman Rupert Murdoch himself (well, through Roger Ailes, the News Director, but he said Mr. Murdoch was talking into his earpiece at the time) that I will eventually make my first contributor appearance on The O'Reilly Factor, but I will need to exercise patience until the network can ascertain if Mr.O'Reilly has concluded his raw meat diet. I don't have the complete details on that yet, but I know that interns aren't even allowed near Mr. O'Reilly before mealtime. I'm certainly no intern, but I can wait. I have a lot to live for.
I will also become a part of Sean Hannity's universe as well, and will initially be tasked with guest appearances of "total agreement" (the network's term), so I have to brush up on the birth history storylines of the current President as well as the pending Democratic presidential candidates for 2016, as well as learn how to polish Mr. Hannity's hair. I'm a team player, believe me.
So wish me luck; I'm as excited as I've ever been, believe me. The commute to New York every morning at 4AM will take some getting used to, but hey, that's show biz. I mean, the news biz. I mean, Fox News.
